Before Your 18-Year-Old Leaves for College, There's One More Thing to Put on the List

This summer, as we were getting Ethan ready to leave for his freshman year of college, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the list. Dorm supplies, classes, roommates, what he needed to pack, what he would inevitably forget to pack and all the normal things you think about when your child is about to leave home for the first time.

Then I tried to confirm whether he'd received a particular vaccine.

It was something he'd had when he was still a minor, and I wasn't trying to make a medical decision for him. I simply wanted to confirm the record before he left for college. But because Ethan was now 18, the doctor's office wouldn't share the information with me.

Of course it made sense once I thought about it. He was legally an adult. But I was also still very much his mom, involved in plenty of his day-to-day life and helping him get ready to leave home. Nothing about our relationship had magically changed on his 18th birthday, yet legally something important had.

That relatively minor conversation about a vaccine made me stop and ask a much bigger question: What else hadn't I thought about?

Eighteen Really Does Change Things

I may be more sensitive to this than some parents because of the work I do. Over the years, I've been involved in people's lives through all sorts of transitions and have watched families navigate aging parents, illness, estate issues, divorce, deaths and situations where suddenly having the right people and documents in place matters very much. Still, I hadn't fully connected any of that to my own 18-year-old.

Once the vaccine issue happened, I called an estate-planning attorney I know and trust and explained my concern. My question was essentially, "Ethan is about to leave for college. If something happens to him, what do we actually need in place?"

She recommended the documents she believed were appropriate for his situation, prepared drafts for us to review and gave us an opportunity to bring our questions to an in-person meeting before he left. I had assumed this might turn into another complicated pre-college project, but from my first email to having everything completed was less than a week. Between reviewing the documents and our appointment, I would estimate that Ethan and I spent maybe two hours of our time on the entire thing.

For something that could someday matter enormously, it was remarkably easy to address. It also made me wonder how many families put it off because they assume it will be expensive, complicated or terribly time-consuming when, at least in our experience, it was none of those things.

What surprised me more was the conversation itself.

Initially, Ethan's reaction was pretty much, "Oh, that makes sense." He understood why we were doing it and didn't think much of it. Then we sat down with the attorney and some of the documents required him to consider questions he'd probably never thought about at 18. What would he want if he were seriously injured and couldn't communicate? What would his wishes be under certain circumstances involving life support or the possibility that he wasn't expected to recover?

Those aren't exactly the conversations you imagine having at the same time you're buying dorm sheets and figuring out a college meal plan.

He naturally had questions, and our attorney took her time with him. She explained why she was asking each question, what the different choices meant and made it very clear that these were his decisions, not mine. She also explained that he could change those decisions later if his wishes changed.

That part was important to me because this wasn't about maintaining control over our adult son. In a strange way, it was the opposite. It was one of those moments when we had to acknowledge that he was becoming responsible for himself. He was expressing his wishes, and we were making sure the appropriate people could help carry them out if there were ever a time when he couldn't speak for himself.

I Didn't Know There Were Different Documents

Before talking with the attorney, I honestly had no idea what we needed or that different documents served different purposes.

A HIPAA authorization can allow an adult child to authorize healthcare providers to disclose specified protected medical information to people they choose. A medical power of attorney is different: in Texas, it allows someone to designate an agent to make healthcare decisions if the person becomes unable to make those decisions. A statutory durable power of attorney deals with certain financial and property matters rather than healthcare. Depending on the individual and the circumstances, an attorney may also recommend other advance directives or documents.

That's precisely why I wouldn't download a random collection of forms from the internet and assume you're finished. I would call an estate-planning attorney and simply say, "My child is 18. What should we consider having in place?" Let the attorney explain what is appropriate for your child and your family.

Nobody likes thinking about the reason these documents might someday be needed, particularly when you're sending a healthy 18-year-old off to college. But imagine your son or daughter is away from home and gets seriously injured in a car accident. You receive the call every parent dreads and immediately get in the car or on a plane. When you arrive, your instinct is going to be exactly what it has been for the previous 18 years: I'm the parent. Tell me what's happening. What do we need to do?

Except your child is now an adult.

There are circumstances in which healthcare providers may share information or Texas law may allow others to participate in medical decisions for an incapacitated adult even without these documents, so this isn't as simple as saying parents suddenly have no rights whatsoever the day their child turns 18. But personally, I don't want an emergency to be the moment I'm trying to understand what I can and cannot do.

I'd much rather Ethan have made his own decisions ahead of time, identified the people he wants involved and put the appropriate documents in place. Hopefully, we never have any reason to use them.

This Isn't Only About Going Away to College

The more parents I've mentioned this to, the more I've heard essentially the same response: "We should do that."

These aren't irresponsible or disorganized parents. They're people who have handled college applications, tuition, insurance, housing, schedules and a thousand other details. This simply wasn't on their list, just as it really wasn't on mine until a vaccine record unexpectedly brought it to my attention.

And I don't think this should only be a college conversation. If your child turns 18 and continues living at home, the legal change still happened. Whether they're sleeping in a dorm hours away or in the bedroom down the hall doesn't change their age.

That's probably the strangest part for me as Ethan's mom. It literally switched overnight, yet I am still part of so many of his day-to-day decisions. He's learning how to navigate college and adulthood, and we're still his parents. Practically speaking, our kids don't suddenly wake up as completely independent adults on their 18th birthday, even though legally that birthday changes quite a bit.

Working in real estate has also given me a front-row seat to something I've seen repeatedly throughout my career: people can be incredibly organized in their everyday lives and still procrastinate on the documents they hope they'll never need. Estate planning seems to fall into that category for a lot of families. We tell ourselves we'll deal with it later because it sounds complicated, uncomfortable or time-consuming, and sometimes later comes too late.

Our experience was nothing like that. I made a phone call, the attorney told us what she recommended, we reviewed the documents, met with her, asked questions and completed everything in less than a week. The bigger value wasn't simply having signed paperwork in a file somewhere. It was knowing we'd had the conversation. Ethan understands what the documents mean and had the opportunity to express his own wishes. We understand our roles. If something happens while he's away from home, we won't be beginning that conversation in the middle of a crisis.

So if you have a child approaching 18, already 18, living at home or heading off to college, I would add this to your list. Call an estate-planning attorney and ask what your adult child should consider putting in place. Let your child ask questions, let the attorney explain the choices, and then hopefully put those documents somewhere safe and never have a reason to pull them out again.

If you don't have an estate-planning attorney, I know several I trust and am always happy to make an introduction.

This wasn't the part of sending my son to college that I expected to spend time thinking about. Looking back, though, it may have been one of the more important things we did before he left.

Brandy Finnessey is a West Austin real estate broker known for her straightforward, strategic approach and long-term client relationships.